Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Petrified

If you opened my bathroom closet today you'd find 32 bars of soap, four tubes of toothpaste, toothbrushes too numerous to count, three bottles of lotion, at least an extra shampoo and conditioner, and enough toilet paper to last my family a year. You'd think we were preparing for End Times or for Global Warming to annihilate Wal-Mart, but no, there is not a disaster imminent, there's a baby on the way. 

I wish I could be writing about how during this last month of pregnancy I'll be knitting blue booties and napping in the afternoon, but I won't be. Unfortunately, I'm very nervous and lacking the peace I've been seeking these last nine months that has yet to come. In addition to sleeping poorly, now I'm up in the night worrying and fretting about all the things that are out of my control. 

I have no idea what this little boy will be like when he comes out, and even if I did, what could I do about it anyway? I don't know if this baby will need nurse all the time, be up all night, projectile vomit, and scream anytime he's not being held upright, standing, and being jiggled at the same time. I have no idea if he'll scream in the car, scream in the grocery store, and scream everywhere I take him. I don't know because I don't know him yet, and still I sit awake at night worried about running out of toothpaste and agonizing over how I'm going to manage the store with a screaming infant.  

Right now I'm doing the only thing I know how to do, which is to plan, prepare, and pray for peace that regardless of what's to come that we'll be able to handle it. Worry is my constant companion, and as hard as I try to convince myself of the uselessness of anticipating what's to come, it's always looming there urging me to make another list of to-do's, or believing that buying that extra roll of toilet paper is going to make the transition to two kids easier. 

Take a deep breath. Ready or not, here he comes.  

4 comments:

Catie said...

Mallory, if it's any consolation, Bridget was a high maintenance baby (actually she can still be pretty high maintenance :), but Linus, our 2nd, is easy in every way. I hear of that line-up often... or the reverse (easy baby first...)

Also, I'm guessing that Mark would run to the store (probably with Luke in tow!) on the weekend if disaster strikes :)

Mallory said...

I hear that about second babies a lot, and I'm secretly HOPING that this time around things will go like that, but it's not something I can put a lot of faith in until I'm actually there. I remember hearing about Bridget, and I'm glad to hear that the second time around Linus didn't give you a run for your money. I realize that I'm getting in way over my head with worry and that things WILL work out and that the house will not fall apart, but sometimes late at night when you let your thoughts get ahead of you it can certainly feel like that.

Anonymous said...

Mallory,
I know it is easier said than done, but don't worry. You are WAY MORE prepared this time around than you ever were with Luke. At least you KNOW or are aware of the possibilities of parenthood....AKA:
- sleepless nights and how that feels
- nursing problems
- shopping with kids
- labor and it's many stages
-etc

All of those things are "the unknown" to first time moms. You've experienced it already. Though this time around it may be a different experience, but at least you have an idea.

Take peace in knowing the things you know and controlling the things you can. Everything else....toss up in the air and let God handle it.

Again, easier said than done...but it is worth a shot.

-Theresa

Anonymous said...

I am so glad I know where to go if something happens to my toothbrush at 10pm. Now I don't have to worry about facing Walmart in my PJs! Bonus: Severmart is even closer then Walmart!

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