Motherhood

My little guy just turned nine months old. He laughs, babbles, waves and walks around furniture. In so many ways he is pure delight. He has a goofy grin and lives to play with his big brother. He has two teeth on the bottom and I can the see the whites of his two top teeth--they're going to pop out any hour now!

We've struggled as a team though. Our breastfeeding team is failing. After nursing my first baby for well over a year, I expected the second to follow suit, and I looked forward to nursing him even longer. As it stands with Paul, at seven months I counted down the days until eight months. At eight months I counted the days until nine months, and now at nine months I really question whether I can make it another week, day, hour, or feeding, let alone to the one year mark.

I won't get into details as to why nursing has been such a struggle, it wasn't so bad the first few months, it's been a process. It started fine, became uncomfortable, then painful, then excruciating. I'm just waiting for it to be unbearable, and we we're close to that point.

Let me make a big distinction, because I don't want to make non-nursing mothers feel bad, as I know mothers who couldn't nurse despite every intention. I can nurse, which is a blessing and something I've very thankful for, therefore, for me to stop nursing prematurely weighs very heavily on me.

The times have shifted, from what I understand. The pressure to nurse to the one year mark wasn't always the case. Now, I'll argue, it's a bigger stigma to bottle feed your baby than to nurse in plain sight, and I've heard many stories of mothers brought to tears defending bottlefeeding as the only way their child could be nourished. I'm a breastfeeding advocate, but this is unfortunate.

So, here I am at a crossroads, trying to put my own pride into perspective, my baby's health, my own health and happiness, and ultimately the expectations I have for the quality of motherhood I'm giving to my second child and owing him what is due. However long we make it as a team, whether it be today or three months or longer, I realize I will be making a sacrifice either way, and either way it is going to hurt.