I was sitting in the doctor's office with Martha on Tuesday. We were following up with her Genetics doctor, and the Genetic Counselor. They asked me how I was doing.
"I'm doing well," I said honestly, "But I wish you would have told me, when I was sitting in this very place six months ago, that our lives were going to explode."
They nodded their heads in agreement. "We like to let parents discover that on their own."
What a discovery that has been for my family. Did they know by looking at me? Something was happening with my heart.
The heart of motherhood.
I had not been at peace. I'd walked around with tears in my eyes, couldn't sleep, and began to seek what in my life was causing this incredible heaviness that I could not lift. I wasn't depressed. It was much different than that. Things just weren't right.
I thought about the people I knew who took care of themselves, and made time for exercise and entertainment; hobbies. People who breathed and sighed, who were carefree and enjoying their families and children. How would it feel to take delight? To not be so...so....overcome? I envied them in a way far different than jealousy. It wasn't so much that I wanted that, but that God wanted it for me. God desired my peace.
And this is where it gets tricky. Because I believe in God, Jesus the Christ. I believe every moment of my life is ordained by God's will. So I prayed. I prayed, and prayed, and prayed. I asked others to pray for me.
"I'll do what you want, Lord," I would pray, "But you MUST tell me what to do."
"Lord, you have put our family here, and I have to, I must, I insist on believing that You have not abandoned us. Lord, I'm doing something wrong here, I know that, but you must tell me that if we follow your plans that You will stay with us, that You will carry us through. I need to know that Your Will for our family is bigger than my own aspirations. Make me believe it, Lord. Force me to believe it."
I prayed and waited, and surrendered.
St. Therese is dear to many Catholics, including myself. I don't say this lightly, but this Saint has worked miracles in my life. Her feast day was last Tuesday, the same day I sat in the Genetics Clinic wearing the face of a mother who knew too well her own limits.
What nobody knew on Tuesday, is that I had been praying for a miracle to occur on that day. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed...for Roses.
I had a decision on my heart that I did not want to make. I knew what I wanted, I knew my goals, my dreams for my family. If God had something else in mind, He'd better make it so clear to me that I could not deny it any longer. (I'm a stubborn daughter like that)
So, you could imagine my utter shock, after spending the whole day away from my family and four hours in the car, when I walked into my house at dinner time, and the first thing I saw was a bouquet of SIX PINK ROSES, sitting on my kitchen table in a vase.
I was trembling as I opened the card, believing that the logical inscription on the card would say "Go for it. I'm taking care of all of you. Love, God."
But it didn't say that. Instead, halfway across the country a friend had been praying for my family's intentions. She didn't know of my wager with God and St. Therese, but felt her heart move to send a rose for each member of my family along with her prayers on the Feast Day of St. Therese.
I can only describe to you the peace that entered my heart at that moment. To know, after so much questioning, that God was indeed watching my over family, that He has NOT abandoned us, and that He knows, more than my best intentions, what is best for my family. Despite my fatigue from the day, I was invigorated. We're going to do what God wants, I told my family. Because I have to trust.
Why did God answer my prayer? I am not deserving of such a miracle, but I humbly learned that God rewarded my desire to be faithful, and my total reliance on Him when I no longer knew what to do. Indeed, God works in my life the best when I am the most desperate.
Today brings peace. All of those prayers.........thank you from the sincerest depths of my heart.