I wasn't going to blog about this. I certainly don't blog about everything that happens in my life, particularly if it is serious or a personal problem, and often don't think it's appropriate.
I wasn't going to blog about this. It was too personal, I was too upset, I don't like dramatics, sympathy, or excessive worry to add to my own struggles with anxiety.
I wasn't going to blog about this. There's no sense getting ahead of myself. I've never been a fan of sensationalism.
But, here I am. I'm blogging now, a decision I made only a few minutes ago. The past 48 hours have turned my world upside-down. A simple doctor's appt. on Thursday led to surgery on Friday. I've been worrying and waiting ever since, not knowing what day I'll get a call with either good...or difficult news to hear. It's a situation every person fears, and when you add a twenty-five year old mother with a husband and two little boys, it's enough to keep you up all night with fear.
But what is fear, why are we so afraid of news? It seems that regardless of the outcome, once you have the answers you more or less accept them and resign yourself to whatever steps need to be taken next, even if you know a tough road lies ahead. I was afraid on Thursday. I was terrified. I'm humble enough to admit that I tend to be a bit high-stress, tightly-wound, anxious and controlling...at times. I was letting my worst qualities get the best of me. I was letting fear of the unknown torture me. Knowing my weakness, I did the only thing that I could do, pray, and ask others to pray.
Perhaps I've felt the power of prayer before, I credit many decisions and events in my life to prayer. However, I've never seen such a change in myself because of prayer. To say, at this point, that I am uncommonly calm and remarkably at peace is an understatement. A week ago, if I were to predict how I would react to the situation I am in now, I would have responded with a near hysterical bag of nerves, a worry-stricken, weak with burden, and doom and gloom shell of myself. It would have been a nightmare. And in fact, on Thursday, I labeled my day as nightmare.
On Thursday a string of events happened that changed my entire perspective. We made phone calls, our family made phone calls, our friends made phone calls. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves, but Mallory needs prayer." The chain is strong, and the effects are felt deeply. I've never been so at peace.
Is there a God? I absolutely believe there is. Does He love me? He is taking care of His daughter, knowing that fear can be the greatest pain. Am I being prepared for a difficult road ahead? I don't know. I will know, eventually, but until then, I have to wait and trust and pray.
I will smile and laugh, build train tracks, change diapers, cook dinner, read books, make beds and wipe runny noses. I will pray, and pray, and pray.